Coffee Club - Helping a critically ill friend

It can be difficult to learn that a friend is critically ill. Even more difficult it can be knowing how to act around him or her and what to say.

My friend K. and I were having dinner one evening when she shared that her doctor had just diagnosed her with a brain tumor. I was in total shock and disbelief and did not know how to react. K is only in her late 20s, and has so much of her life ahead of her. She is always bubbly and full of energy and has a promising career in one of the largest global banks.

Seeing that she was devastated, and has to deal with this major blow alone here in Singapore, I offered to meet her for coffee or meal once a week. I felt it was important for her to have a companion who would meet her on a regular basis and cheer her up through normal everyday conversations. We would talk about anything and everything and hopefully, we would laugh together.

As the weeks past I realized that I had to do more for her. Engaging in casual conversations and sharing a laugh was good but I felt that she needed more than that. What if we had our coffee date and then she went home sinking into a depressive mood until our date next week? K. is someone who has high aspirations; her health condition should not be a barrier to that. I felt the need to help her do something fruitful that would lift her spirits and keep her engaged in life despite her illness.

I spent a long time on the internet searching for ideas on “how to help a sick friend” but there was nothing that struck me as a fantastic idea.

Then I recalled a book that I read not too long ago, "End of Life Book Club" by Will Schwalbe. It is a true story of a son (Will the writer) and his mother (Mary Anne) who started a book club after Mary Anne was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer and Will had to accompany his mom to the hospital for treatment. Over a two-year period before Will’s mom passed on, the two of them carried on conversations that were both wide-ranging and deeply personal. From a eclectic array of books they read together, they discussed everything from questions of faith and courage to everyday topics such as expressing gratitude and learning to listen.

From the discussion of those topics, both mom and son shared their hopes and concerns with each other—and rediscovered their lives—through their favorite books. The club brought them closer together as Mary Anne's life was coming to a close. Reading isn’t the opposite of doing; it’s the opposite of dying. I therefore drew inspiration from Will's book.

K. and I both work in fast paced environments where we are busy and always on the go. We do not have the luxury of setting up a book club where we would have to spend copious amounts of time reading thick books.

Through our discussions, I found a different common interest. Both of us enjoy creativity in our work and have a shared passion for entrepreneurship. We admire entrepreneurs who have created something unique. I decided that we could start a business club.

When I pitched the idea to K., she immediately jumped on it. We began to envision starting a business that would be highly successful and I even challenge her to make herself onto the list of Forbes under 30. In the last few months, we spent time researching on business ideas, studying various business initiatives, and formulating a business plan. Our coffee sessions now revolve around the details of executing those business ideas. Two weeks ago K. even came up with a very unique name for her business venture.

Just as Will's book club helped to comfort, teach, surprise, and do a myriad of other things to Will and more importantly to his mom, I hope that our coffee cum business club will provide K. a journey of joy, and celebration of life. Each time when we meet to discuss the various aspects of the business, I could see that her eyes are sparkling with excitement and joy.

As a friend, one should not worry about what he or she says or does to a critically ill friend; he/she should worry about what he/she doesn’t say or do.